Uncle Oinker's Bacon Mints

So...so very much is wrong with this confection. The good folks at The A.V. Club voluntarily sacrificed themselves for the benefit of the masses by taste-testing the "mints." Here is the article. For an extra treat, read some of the reader comments.

At long last, the theory that you can improve anything by adding bacon has been disproven, courtesy of a mysterious, pig-faced individual known only as Uncle Oinker. The presumed ideal for Bacon Mints: Tasty, tiny, refreshing bacon-flavored confections in a convenient tin, suitable for freshening your breath and satisfying your bacony cravings. The reality: Aspirin-like poison pills that offer just enough of a hint of bacon to make you try them, even as you know you’re going to regret it.

Taste: Imagine a tin full of sugary hard mints, squirted with liquid smoke and left to fester in the dark for weeks on end. The smell released when the tin is opened is pervasive and suffocating. It isn’t minty at all; it resembles a blend of rotting bacon and hot plastic, like raw bacon draped across a traffic cone and left outside in Arizona-summer heat for a couple of days. The taste is sour and richly meaty, like jerky gone bad; there’s definitely some mint in there, poking through the overwhelming semi-rotten-bacon taste at odd intervals, but mostly, it’s artificial bacon, and a whole lot of it.

Office reactions:
• “I’ve got a cold, so I can’t really taste anything at—Wait. EWWW. That shit is GROSS.”
• “It gets more nauseating the longer you have it in your mouth.”
• “They smell like Band-aids.”
• “I can’t even figure out what this tastes like. It tastes like having an aneurism. Seriously, they give me a pain in my head.”
• “It tastes like a dog treat.”
• “Something’s wrong. I consider myself very attuned to bacon, but all I’m getting here is ‘sweet.’”
• “There is no way I would want my breath to smell like these things.”
• “Oh my God. That really does taste like bacon and mints. These things should not exist.”
• “It’s like bacon bits and Andes mints at the same time.”
• “More like the greasy aftertaste of a bag of smoked almonds, with a festive sprig of mint.”
• “It’s not the most disgusting thing I’ve ever tasted. I guess.”
• “After 15 seconds, it turns into medicine. It’s kind of like bacon, and then it makes your mouth go numb. It turns into Novocaine.”
• “You have what? Oh, I can’t. There’s no way. I would throw up all over you guys.”

Once again, we had a Taste Test first: An inordinate number of people in the office took one look at the tin and flat-out refused to taste these. Normally, Onion staffers are pretty game about anything taste-testable, but this time around, we practically had to chase people down in order to get some reactions. Also, it’s worth noting that while we still have a good 85 or so of the 100 mints in the tin left, not a single tester has come back for a second one.

Where to get them: The tin says they’re manufactured in China exclusively for accoutrements.com (which also sells Uncle Oinker’s strawberry-flavored gummy bacon, as well as bacon-flavored toothpicks and this gross-looking-yet-amusing faux-bacon wallet) but they’re also available online via other novelties-and-sundries sites like mcphee.com and perpetualkid.com.

This Year's Family Knitted Christmas Gifts.

Here are a few pics of the pieces I knitted for family this year:

Crocheted shamrock bookmark for a close family friend. I crocheted all the shamrocks individually, then sewed them together.

A close up shot.

A triangle shawl for mom.

What a pain in the ass! The shawl, not mom. Though sometimes... Hat for my brother-in-law. Don't worry, it stretches. His head isn't that pointy.
Closer pic. I really loved the heathering in this yarn.My favorite knitted gift this year: a scarf for my mother-in-law. The yarn company names colors after famous women in history. This colorway is named after one of her favorite authors, Emily Dickinson.

Close-up pic of the lace pattern.

New Jersey...The Seat of Dimensional Travel.

So, I just finished creating this year's holiday newsletter and writing cards to my friends. Mike sends his out earlier in the season—on time, some might say—so those from his camp already received the lovely photo triplet of us in various stages of celebration this year. Honestly, it feels like I just created last year's newsletter and just finished writing those cards—same template as this year's because we liked it just that much. And I didn't realize just how long it's been since I blogged, since it feels like I just struggled with Blogger over the need to save everything constantly. Though now, it has an auto save feature which is just fantastic.

So it has been a while, I guess. I think it's Jersey, honestly. As I wrote in a friend's card this year, I swear Jersey exists in an alternate dimension where clock hands spin on a dial like a Price is Right game. Heck, maybe it's a Drew Carey thing, then, because I don't remember time flying this quickly during the Bob Barker era. Anyway, it all begins at the top of the Garden State Parkway. Compass dials spin uncontrollably, GPS systems malfunction, farm hands dress like scarecrows... Just a bit freakish.

This year, I'm hoping to post about once a week on all the crazy stuff I see and have seen and experienced in the city. It's beginning to grow on me. I feel itchy.

At The Decider's Expense...

...T-shirt/bumper sticker slogans (my favs are #s 18 & 23):

1) (Seen on an infant's shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
2) 1/20/09: End of an Error
3) That's OK, I Wasn't Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
4) Let's Fix Democracy in This Country First
5) Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
6) You Can't Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
7) If You Can Read This, You're Not Our President
8) Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed Yet?
9) George Bush: Creating the Terrorists Our Kids Will Have to Fight
10) We Need a New Decider and a New Vice Decider, too.
11) America: One Nation, Under Surveillance
12) They Call Him "W" So He Can Spell It
13) Which God Do You Kill For?
14) Jail to the Chief
15) Who Would Jesus Torture?
16) No, Seriously, Why Did We Invade?
17) Bush: God's Way of Proving Intelligent Design is Full Of Crap
18) Bad president! No Banana.
19) We Need a President Who' s Fluent In At Least One Language
20) We're Making Enemies Faster Than We Can Kill Them
21) Rich Man's War, Poor Man's Blood
22) Is It Vietnam Yet?
23) Bush Doesn't Care About White People, Either
24) Where Are We Going? And Why Are We In This Handbasket?
25) You Elected Him. You Deserve Him.
26) Impeach Cheney First
27) When Bush Took Office, Gas Was $1.46
28) The Republican Party: Our Bridge to the 11th Century
29) 2004: Embarrassed, 2005: Horrified, 2006: Terrified

Who Says There's Nothing To Do In Bismarck?

I just think this is neat.

Snot Factory.

One of the most challenging aspects of moving for me has been trying to stay healthy. Before we moved, I was doing well. I was losing weight, feeling fantastic, and managing to fend off even the most persistent college germs. We moved in the middle of July, and by the beginning of September, I caught a cold. It wasn't too bad, because the minute I feel like something's off, I take extra vitamin C and start on herbs. I thought I had kicked it, but by the middle of October, it resurfaced bigger and badder than before. I actually had to leave early from my job—which I had just started a week earlier—on the insistence of my supervisors. I guess they were a little grossed out by festival of mucus at cubicle 508.

I finally felt better, though not 100%, by Thanksgiving. Then, about the second week in December, the mucilaginous bastard asserted itself, and I started to panic—we were hosting our first Christmas dinner for our families, and I had an ambitious menu planned (more on this in a future blog). I don't know if it was adrenaline or what, but two days before Christmas, I felt well enough to take on the holiday.

During January, I actually felt a little better, until about three weeks into the month when I caught an entirely different bug. Usually, when I would catch a stomach virus, I'd end up dealing with it while seated on the toilet, not facing it. It's pretty weird, but for the past 23 years, I've actually felt like I had a choice in the matter. Every time I felt like I was going to be sick, I would think my way out of it. I guess because the last time I was sick as a kid, it was so incredibly awful that I just never wanted to be sick like that again. I was proud of my 23 year vomit-free streak, and would brag about it any chance I got. Well, my hubris caught up with me a few weeks ago. I was sort of feeling off during the day, but thought I was just a little tired. I was looking forward to getting home and having a piece of the football-shaped Carvel cake in the freezer. Truly, I was really excited about it because it was coated in the best thing about Carvel cakes: the crunchies. One large slice, a handful of chocolate cookies, and about two hours later, I was feeling really, really crappy.

I tried to get some rest, but by 11pm, I was facing the toilet with Mike at my side for moral support, hoping for the inevitable. Nothing happened, but the boulders I must have swallowed at some point during the day prevented me from getting any sleep. Finally, at about 2am, my streak ended. During the moments after, I realized there were many worse things I could have eaten that evening. Several hours and a "review" later, I called my boss to tell him I wouldn't be in. He tried to cheer my up by stating, "There'll be other streaks, Sue." One month and 23 years to go.

But anyway, I was feeling pretty good aside from that interruption, until two weeks ago when I started feeling crappy again. This time, I had a sore throat, clogged ears, and post nasal drip that was just beyond description. I mean, I could describe it, but...well, ugh. I decided it was time to make an appointment with a doctor. Of course, by the time the appointment rolled around, I was feeling better. He put me on an antibiotic anyway, which I've now finished. I'd love to be able to say that I feel fantastic, but I don't. I certainly don't feel awful, but I've felt better. I'm thinking it's probably all part of the healing process, but it just bothers me that I haven't gotten any advice on how to keep healthy while being bombarded by germs pretty much all the time down here.

It just feels like I've had some version of this issue since we moved, and I'm tired of it. I'm tired of being a walking mucus manufacturing plant. A few of the union administrative assistants at work have placed grievances with the union because they're always sick as well. I know the air was tested, but a report hasn't been filed yet. And, not everyone is getting sick. I thought maybe there was something in the apartment, but Mike hasn't been sick. So, even if there is something in the air here, or at the office, my immune system isn't strong enough to fight it off. And there's always going to be someone sick, dripping, or hacking in my general direction on the train. So, it's obvious that I need to work on things myself. I'm going to do what makes sense—eat better, exercise, and start seeing a holistic doctor for advice on how to truly kick this once and for all instead of treating the symptoms.

And, I need to add, that I am truly lucky to have health insurance that covers regular MD appointments with a co-pay, and even luckier to be in a position where I can afford at least one consultation with a holistic doctor out of pocket. So, we'll see what shakes out. I'll post more on my quest for health and the various places my journey leads—stopping short of wearing a copper pyramid on my head. Because that's just plain goofy.

Knitting: A Dark, Depressing Past. Now Go Have Fun.

Whenever I begin a new project, or learn a new craft or technique, I'm always tempted to buy all the nifty gadgets, paints, tools, and specific accoutrement that are "necessary" for the task. For me, have the fun is researching and purchasing these new toys. So, being that I'm still new to this whole knitting thing, I've been slowly amassing a collection of knitting support hardware. One of my recent purchases was a set of Knifty Knitter circular looms. After reading reviews on JoAnn.com, it seemed like the looms would be an easy way to start making hats. As seen in the Introduction to the Knifty Knitter instruction pamplet:

"An interesting note is that often the sweaters were knit with distinctive stripes, cables or patterns, then if a fisherman was unlucky enough to be caught in a storm and drowned at sea, when the body washed up to the shore the pattern on the sweater could be used to identify the body.

Use many variations of texture and color to personalize a garment for a loved one or make something for yourself. We hope you will have a great time making hats, stockings, and more fun projects."

Um, sure... I'll go try and have fun knitting something for a loved one... maybe it'll lift me out of this sudden and inexplicable depression. Heh...